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Confessions – September

My, my, it has been a long time since we’ve had some confessions around these parts, hasn’t it? I honestly don’t know what happened, but I think it is high time we fixed that, m’kay.

For the newbies, confessions are where I share stupid things that most people like to keep to themselves, but for some reason I feel you would care about. And then you share in the comments, and we all have a great laugh and feel like normal people for a day or two. Ready?  Ready!

  1. Who in the hell do the potential witnesses on Law and Order think they are? They’re always cleaning the kitchen, or outside of school, or at the park, and when the detectives ask them questions, their kid calls, or the bell rings and they say “oh, I’m sorry Detective Green (holla), but I really have to go now”. PEOPLE, THAT IS THE POLICE. You don’t tell the police you’re too busy to talk to them. You TALK TO THEM. I don’t care that you have a roast on the stove, or your kid fell off the slide. Damn man.
  2. I’m trying to figure out at what point, everyone in my house will try to stop having a conversation with me when I am doing dishes or running water in the sink. I tell them all at least three times a week that I CANNOT HEAR YOU WHEN THE WATER IS RUNNING. And then I have to turn off the damn faucet, turn around and snap “what”, just for Jack to ask me “what would happen if you were walking down the street and a blue shark came up from the sewer and ate you”, and then I would (with wet hands) say “that couldn’t happen” and turn back to the dishes. Only then would I hear Jack mumble something else, have to turn off the water, snap “what”??? again, only to be asked “yeah, but what if”. What if mommy taped your mouth shut? No, I mean, what if?
  3. If I have to say “manners” one more time to my kid during a meal, I might scream. How many times must one hear “put your entire butt on the chair, face your plate, and EAT” before it sinks it? And homeboy has an amazing memory, so this is one of those instances where he is choosing to NOT remember. img_2273Yes, we were in public. No, I have no idea why he thought sitting like that was appropriate. Thankfully, Bennett was clearly going to knock him out with a blow dart gun.
  4. Anyone else creeped out by the Trivago guy? I’m not sure what it is, but he gives me the willies. I think it may have to do with the fact that they dress him like he is 20, or that his shirts are always really long and his belt line looks super low. Or maybe it’s the accent I just can’t place, but either way, I don’t trust him. I do not like the cut of that man’s jib (TWSS).

  5. My hair is so fine, that I only use one of those little black combs that you used to get on school picture day. My friend Kristina used to refer to it as the “My Little Pony” brush. I covet thick locks.
  6. My friend was at a medical conference and one of the topics was pain. The speaker said that when people get spinal taps, they are given a medicine to dull the pain during the procedure…except for in Norway, because people in Norway tolerate pain differently than the rest of the world. Suddenly, my entire life made sense. My sister, mom, and I weren’t just tough, we’re fucking superheros. It is a good thing I don’t drink, because you’d probably find me trying to cut off a toe like that chick on Heroes.

This was a brief foray back in to a monthly series, but I think we shall do it again soon!

Your turn…

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16 comments on “Confessions – September”

  1. OMG, I so needed to laugh today! Thank you so much!

    Same here: “use your napkin, DO NOT and I mean DO NOT try to eat your spaghetti by holding a fork between your toes”!!! This was said to the 5 year old, different things were relayed to the 8.5 year old while the 20 month old laughed! AAArrrggghhh!!!

  2. OMG, I’m so glad that I’m not the only one thinking that about the Trivago guy! I tried to have that conversation with my husband when it comes on, but he just thinks I’m paying too much attention to trivial things. I’m clearly creeper out by it, but their marketing department clearly did its job, because at least 2 of us are talking about it, lol!!

  3. So Funny…! The tears are squeezing out of my eyes. Thank You! My kids are “grown up” now… mostly. They had a camp out in our back yard recently… We live in NJ in a suburb of Philly, so imagine the wilderness and night sky. All boys… I keep thinking I’ve gone over the list of safety rules and covered them all. This night one of them, could have been one of mine, or not… One of them got the idea to see what happens when you throw an unopened can of soda into the fire pit… KA BLAM!!!! is what. The air was sucked out of the atmosphere for about a split second before the EXPLOSION happened. and they must have felt it coming. Because by the time I made it from the living room to the back door, no one was in sight. That doesn’t mean the whole neighborhood didn’t hear me yell…”WHAT THE HECK???” Thankfully no one was hurt. and they all went to sleep fairly early after that.

  4. #2 never changes. Ever.

    And I kind of think they wait UNTIL you turn the water on to start talking.

    • I agree Tina, it never changes.
      My three boys are all adults now, but my husband is the worst. He will be quiet, until I get up to leave to use the bathroom and then decide he must talk to me about something… not when I was sitting quietly next to him, but once I am clearly on my way out of the room.
      If watching something important on TV, I will pause it while he talks. I wait until he is done talking, I unpause the TV, then 45 seconds goes by and he thinks of something else to say. Again I pause it until he is done…another 45 seconds goes by and he brings up something different. Why doesn’t he just say, “hey let’s talk about a few items” so I know he has multiple things to talk about?

  5. Children always try to talk to you when you are trying to pay attention to the cash register so you get the sale price. No matter how many times you tell them not to. Also, talk when you are on business call. Arg.

  6. I have to tell my children (8, 7, and 5) to put their feet down at the table ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! Who eats with their knees in front of their faces? Only my children! Except it turns out that isn’t true because I run social skills lunch groups at work and I have a student now who does the same thing. I am cursed. And I just now realized that long after my children have become civilized/not my problem at dinner time, I will still be teaching table manners to America’s Youth from here to eternity. Or retirement, so same same.

  7. OMIGOSH!!! B with the blowdart gun! Look out Jack! Duck & cover buddy! LOLOLOL!!! Just a random thought; exactly WHO came up the term “fun size” for the tiny candy bars? That guy (or gal. Wouldn’t want to be thought of as sexist), should be hung! Literally, who thinks a smaller piece of candy is any kind of fun?? That’s like your kid taking a mini nap & people telling you that’s great! No! No it’s not great at all. It’s rather rubbish. Rant over.

  8. I’m unreasonably annoyed by people talking about ‘adulting’, it’s not a verb. Drives me insane in a way that indicates I have reached middle age and am now my mother…

  9. OMG, I have missed confessions!
    Yep, it’s universal….running water is code for talk to Mom/Wife. Sigh.

  10. Agree: there is something not right about that Trivago guy. What is the DEAL, man?!! Not a fan!!!! Ugh. Hoping they find a new spokesperson ASAP!

  11. My confession is that I decided to be cheap/frugal and try to recycle my deodorant. When my stick gets so far down that I can’t use it anymore, I noticed there is still product available, kind of like lipstick when you get down to the end….there is still stuff “in there”.

    Basically I collect a bunch of these unusable nubbins, melt them in the microwave, and then pour back the liquid back into a empty deodorant stick. I just got two “new” sticks (basically $10) for this.

  12. Face your food. Eat your food.
    Face Your Food. Now!
    Use your fork not your hands.
    Put it in your pie hole! (Yes we’re classy)
    Don’t distract your brother from eating. (at the one that did eat and sit right just because they are too funny/entertaining/charming and are an excuse for wiggle worm to stop eating to be entertained.
    turn around and face your food.

  13. Oh, just wait until Jack is a pre-teen/teenager. You will be less worried about his butt being in the chair and more worried about why every dinner table conversation somehow segues into penises. As you’re setting down the spaghetti, “Mom, I need a new jock for baseball. Mine is too small.” With emphatic wiggling and demonstration. “Son, can we please have ONE DINNER where we don’t talk about your junk at the table????”

  14. Oh how I missed confessions. Keep ’em coming!

    We just moved. Sold our house and are renting a small apartment while deciding where to live next. I bought a coat rack/bench with hooks and shelves because there is no coat closet. Will husband put his shoes on the shelf? No. Will he hung up his jacket, even though the hooks are literally right next to the door where he takes off his jacket? No. Will clothes go in the hamper on his side of the bed? No. I don’t understand and it drives me nuts, especially in such a small space.