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Confessions – September

Ah, confessions time.  Been a few months, but it’s still good to unload the soul every once in a while, right?

1. If you have more than one stuffed animal or hat in the back window of your car, I am judging you and assuming you are going to be a terrible driver. Because every time I’m stuck behind some moron on a two lane road, they have either a ton of stuffed animals all lined up, or a collection of hats.

2. What in the world is with all the super short dresses these days?  I know I’ve whined about this before in a meal plan post, but holy hell who decided it was cool to flash the beeve all over town?  And I see everyone in these horrible things.  Whether it looks good on or not, I don’t want to see all that.

Here’s a guide to how to buy a dress LIKE A LADY.  If you put your hands to your side, the bottom of the dress should at least reach the tips of your fingers.

Not your vulva.

You’re welcome.

3. Why are there so many morons riding around on bikes, with helmets on their heads…with the chin straps undone.  Not really protecting your noggin, are you?  “Oh hold on car, please don’t hit me.  Let me attach my chin strap first”.

4.  Ok, there are people in my life who are going to think this is aimed at them.  It is not.  It’s not calling out anyone in particular.  It’s more of a blanket statement.

People, clean out your damn cars.

I don’t want to hear about your live in your car, and you have kids, and blah blah blah.  Stop being lazy and clean out your f’ing car!!!!

I have already driven 7,000 miles since April.  I live in my car.  I have a kid.  And you know what?  I’m not embarrassed if someone were to get in my car.  Jack knows that whatever comes in the car, goes back out when we get home.  It’s not a dumping ground for crap.  Troy is not as good at remembering without encouragement.  He seems to think of my car as his personal hoodie holder.

We keep one basket of books in the car for Jack and that’s it.  He doesn’t get bored or whine (too often) about lack of things to do.  Usually we have to force him to talk to us because he’s so engrossed in the books and comics.  Your kids adapt to what you expect of them (most of the time), and mine knows there is no need for a ton of toys in the car.  Even as a wee little kid, board books and a few small items were enough to keep him occupied on our 90 minute commute.   Yes, 90 minutes.

One of the greatest compliments I ever got from a coworker, was the first time she got in my car.  She said “if it weren’t for the carseat, I wouldn’t know you had a kid in here”.  Does that mean my car is boring and sterile?  No, it means it is CLEAN.

Do a deep clean this weekend.  Really get in there and vacuum, detail, and remove all the crap.  And then keep it like that.  You’ll thank me later…when you don’t catch a staph infection from all the junk rolling around in your vehicle.

5) Dear George Ezra, if I have to hear your song on the radio one more time, I’m going to buy a ticket to Budapest and burn your house down.

To the ground.

6) When I’m super tired, and feeling lazy, I try to use “the force”.  I’ll be laying on the couch, and maybe the remote will be far away, or my phone is on a table across the room, I think “hey, maybe this time it will work”.

7) Every week, I have an internal debate with myself about the actual necessity of washing Jack’s sheets.  Jack is what you would call “a hyper sweater”.  His energy level is so high all day, that when he finally lays down and passes out, his body seems to cool down and expels around 3 gallons of sweat a night.  Give or take.

So, when I wash his sheets, it is essentially an exercise in placing clean sheets back on his bed…only for him to sweat on them again a few hours later.

8) I don’t understand Carnation Instant Breakfast.  How in the world does that fill you up?  I would be punching people angry by 7:30 am if I only consumed a chocolate liquid for breakfast.

9) I don’t get the point of shawls.  Like, do you put one on with your fingerless gloves and think “I love when less than 10% of my body is covered and warm.  Screw those other body parts”.  Educate me dear readers.

10) Mal buns (men wearing buns in their hair).

NO.

Your turn.  What would you like to confession this month?  Let it out!

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11 comments on “Confessions – September”

  1. Love your blog and agree with almost all of your comments. Who is George Ezra? Must Gooogle!

  2. 1) I told my daughter that McDonald’s only serves people with red hair after 8, which is why we always see cars there but we can’t go in. She still believes me.

    2) I may have alluded that I am in a lesbian relationship with another mom in order to get the family discount at the museum. Hey…they didn’t come out and ask, I just said I wanted the family discount and made a sweeping motion to all of us.

    3) I’m pretty sure the devil created fundraisers. I hate asking people for money, especially when it’s in exchange for kitten wrapping paper and stale chocolates in the shape of whatever poultry is in season.

    4) I have serious doubts about parents who constantly post pictures of their children with captions like ” Jack…my little angel…be still my heart. I will never be able to get enough of him”. Ok maybe not doubts, I just want to know where they are getting their medication and if I can have some.

    5) Sometimes, at the most random moments, I laugh out loud because I think of a part in “Jurassic Park 3” where they make the statement that if the dinosaurs hadn’t become extinct the raptors would be the dominant species instead of humans. Then I picture raptors doing human things….like water skiing, doing Zumba, etc.

  3. O M G you are so damn funny ☺️❗️❗️❗️❗️

  4. You caught me. I do haul the garbage out of the car every couple or three days but it does desperately need a vacuum. There are just soooo many other things that need doing. Weeding the garden, blanching veggies for the freezer, stacking wood for the winter, washing dishes, washing/hanging clothes……..

  5. Sarah, I agree with 1, 5, 8, although I do buy Carnation Instant Breakfast for my son who needs to gain weight. He adds it to milk similar to using Nesquick.

    My confession:
    1. When putting away clean dishes, I sometime throw the plasticware into the cupboard and then quickly closing the door before it falls out. In my defense, the cupboard is pretty low to the ground and sometimes I am just too tired to get on my knees and carefully stack the plasticware.
    2. My mom always taught us to move furniture around when vacuuming. Yah, that doesn’t happen very often at my house.
    3. I really don’t understand the point of the stick figure families on the back of cars. Is having a family being viewed as an accomplishment, like the folks who have the 26.2 stickers? You know who makes up your family so I can only assume the point it to let others know who is in your family, but why would anyone think the person driving behind them cares?

  6. I love my shawls, but based on your other posts I’m pretty sure my body runs ‘colder’ than yours does. I’m in the South, so from April through October it’s warm enough to be in shirt sleeves outdoors (tank tops when not in the office). That’s also the season for freezing A/C indoors. And while the rest of me may be fine, my exposed arms get cold, and the shawls/wraps prevent frostbite without making me feel weighed down by heavy clothing. Plus they’re pretty …

    Current complaints:
    1. Drivers who stop too far back from the line at an intersection. As in, at least one more car could fit between them and the crosswalk – where there are zero pedestrians, so they can’t be afraid of hitting someone. And then they do not pull up while waiting through the red light. Why?
    2. People who keep posting umpteen variations of the same meme on social media. If you’ve already ‘said’ it, why do you have to repeat it multiple times on the same day? And if it’s related to any of the mumblety-mumps pretending they’re fit to be President, well … I may be blocking quite a few people until 2016 is over.
    3. I’m with you on the men’s hair – and will add this whole mustache-and-beard fad as well. Sikhs who need to coil their hair under their turbans are of course exempt from this protestation. But very few men look good with a full beard, especially with the cutesy upturned mustache. Show me clean-shaven, or stubble ready to shave.

    I’m sure there’s more, but it’s late here & I’m tired. And I expect there will be a similar post in the not-too-distant future …

    • Kate, I sometimes sit a car length back in the left turn lane. Here, the sensor that activates the advance green is usually a car length back, so I will sit on it in order to get the advance! My husband, who works on traffic lights for a living taught me what to look for. Having said that, if someone comes up behind me in line, I will edge up and let them sit on it.
      Of course, that may not be what the people you are talking about are doing. I can’t explain that, but if you ever see me doing it, that is why. 😉
      I love your last reason for wearing a shawl. That is the only reason you need, in my opinion.

      • Interesting – my experience, at least around here, is that the sensors are a little closer to the crosswalk line. And I wasn’t specific enough to say that often the person who’s not all the way up is in the lane next to mine, so it’s usually in enough traffic that they don’t have to worry about getting the light to change. I’ll stop there before I get aggravated again 😉

        Thanks for your last two sentences!

  7. 1) I work as a clerk, so when I run your card and ask if you would like to do debit or credit, and get the whatever is easier for you line, arrgh. I just want to throat punch people, for being to lazy to make a decision about their own stuff.

    2) When asking someone a question with two options, and getting the answer of Yes. Once again I see it as people just being lazy, and thinking they are cute.

    3) My husband can walk into the kitchen or any other room for two seconds and leave at least half the drawers and cabinets open. It takes exactly the same amount of energy to close as it does to open.

    4) Speaking of being stopped at a red light, the chain of people who inch up every few seconds, keep your foot on the brake until you can actually go. Those 6 inches won’t get you there any faster.

    5) I admit it is hard to swallow the groan I feel every time someone pulls out their checkbook, whether I am the cashier or in line myself. Idaho must be the last hold out for massive check writers.

    6) Kids, I just really don’t like them. I love my nieces and nephews, and can appreciate the hard work that goes into raising them. But I don’t think anyone should get preferential treatment, because they procreated. I should have just as much consideration given time off, say for Mothers Day or other Holidays, because news flash, I do have a Mother.

  8. I HATE it when people promise children things (bribe them) as an award for good behavior and then do not follow through with it. And they wonder why children lie.