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Confessions, October

Confession is good for the soul, so once a month I love to unleash my dark thoughts to clear my mind.

1) When my husband sneezes, he acts like no one in the world has ever sneezed before.  Like no one on earth could understand what just happened to him.  It makes me want to yell “it’s a fucking sneeze, move on”.

2) I have a disorder where I literally can not shop for greeting cards or walk in to a bookstore without having to poop.  It is a curse, but it came in handy when I was pregnant and you know…

3) Troy once told me that I look like Claire Danes.  Now when I watch Homeland, I think “am I that crazy”?  Probably.

4) To a slow car in front of me, I have uttered the words “hurry the fuck up, I am late for church”.  And before you feel the need to email me and tell me that I shouldn’t swear because it isn’t a Christian thing to do, please just know in advance that I will kindly respond to your email and tell you that as a Christian you shouldn’t judge.  Then I’ll ask you how the plank in your eye is feeling (whaaaaa…the swearing Lutheran can quote scripture…?).

5) Now I kinda want to rename my blog “The Swearing Lutheran”.

6) I want to fly down to Los Angeles just to slap Justin Bieber and tell him to put a fucking shirt on.  Hey, Beebs, you are so freaking skinny and should not be walking around sans shirts.

7) For someone who claims to always be busy, I spend a wee bit too much time on Perezhilton and GoFugYourself.

8) Whenever “play date” is listed on my meal plan, it means McDonalds.  

Jack has a play date every other month with a friend and her brother, and they prefer McDonalds.

9) I would love to push Kanye West over a cliff.

10) I get really resentful that most successful bloggers are SAHM.  It seems like the deck is stacked against me to ever make this a real thing.

11) If given the chance, I’d probably cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off.  Girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap.

How about you?  What would you like to unleash from your heart?

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27 comments on “Confessions, October”

  1. 1) Someone is walking towards me (let’s say at a store) and they move to their LEFT rather than their right and we have to go through the whole make eye contact, smile and excuse me’s, I literally want to scream at them and say “It’s like driving, moron. MOVE TO YOUR RIGHT.”
    2) Sometimes I know my husband is talking to me from another room and I pretend not to hear it.
    3) I am addicted to reading FB….I cannot even tell you how many times a day I check it.

  2. 1) I have no career ambition, there’s never been a job I’d love to do. In an ideal world I wouldn’t have to work but I wouldn’t do anything worthy either, I’d just do the fun stuff I never seem to have time for.
    2) I am insanely jealous of people who can socialise and make friends.
    3) I bore people when I try to make conversation.

  3. First time reading…I work full time, my husband stays with the kids….I love postings. It kind of make me giggle when I read the above post. It’s real life.

  4. “girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap” Ha! reading that line caused me to spit my coffee all over my desk. Thanks for making my work day that much better!

  5. Loved this post! Justin – oh so true (sexy he ain’t!), Miley – she doesn’t have what it takes to be Madonna no matter how hard she tries, and the Christians who judge another – perfect! Oh, my confessions? It drives me crazy that my hubby thinks he is the only one in the world who is doing anything worth while! I can be up to my eyeballs in something and I get “if you’re not busy…..” and he wants to show me something?! Oh, sorry, this is your blog and I might get on a rant….

  6. I went back to school several years ago and when I hear the teenagers I am in class with whine about the homework being too much and how they didn’t have time to do it, I want to scream at them “Listen you whiney bitches, I have a husband, house, two autistic kids, a mentally ill extended family, a job and I rescue basset hounds…and I managed to get it done. Maybe you should spend less time on FB and whining about shit and actually do the work!!!”
    Also, when I meet new people, I used to get nervous about first impressions and I can obsess for hours over what I thought they thought about me. I solved this with a trick. You know how if you are nervous in front of people you ought to imagine them in their underwear and it seems less scary. That doesn’t work for me. I imagine their “O” face. No one is cool and dignified during orgasm. NO ONE. Now I can’t stop doing that, and I imagine this with everyone I meet.
    Wow I feel better now…

  7. I read your blog often, but don’t often reply. I am so in love with this post, so ….
    1) I also have no career ambition (like Heather), and have never liked any job I have ever had. I am also incredibly ashamed of this.
    2) I have serious road rage, and yell, swear, and make gestures when I see stupid drivers.
    3) I talk too much.

  8. 1) I hate my job – new owners after 14 years and I hate this new ridiculous boss that I tell corporate all the time that he is the douchy-est of all douches.

    2) When my husband sneezes~ it is just like his mothers, I cringe every single time it happens because I know that they have snot and spit and shit all up in their hands.. totally grosses me out. effen disgusting!

    3) My mother sucks the life out of me. She is so needy and crazy judgmental that I completely dread the everyday phone call I HAVE to make to her on my drive home from work… and no matter how bad my day – hers is worse…She has been a SAHM since before she had kids!!! How can you have a bad day home by yourself!!!

  9. #1 made me laugh out loud and now the children think I’m crazier than normal. My husband refuses to blow his nose, ever. He rather just slurp all that snot up his nose and get a stomachache. Drives me nuts and grosses me out.

  10. Seriously, I thought I was the only one with the #2 problem (double joke, I am hilarious!), except mine is anytime I go shopping with the intention to buy something for myself, even if it’s technically for everyone (pots and pans, fabric for curtains, etc).

    I love being an American, and I love that we live in a democracy, but seriously? Our government is full of pig headed idiots.

    I hate following the news because it just depresses me. My hubby is my source of world wide news.

    Kori, I feel for you. My mother has the same affect on me till I just stopped talking to her. Makes me feel guilty that I don’t keep in contact with her, but not as guilty as she made me feel every time I talked to her.

    I am religiously uneducated. My hubby and I were chosen as god parents for his sisters daughter. When she asked us, we warned her that we are not very religious, so we may not be the best choices. My sister-in-law assured us that all that being god parents meant was that we would be there for our niece if she every need anything. We agreed. At the baptism, I felt SO uncomfortable every time the father had us pray for the life of this child. I was at war with myself through the entire services, “do I pretend to be what they want, or do I just be true to myself.”

    I was so happy when the baptism was over.

  11. I love love love the confession posts. I think it helps me just for you to say those things out lout (the things we are all thinking in our heads) LMAO!

  12. This is hilarious!

    Re: #10, part of the reason I love your blog is that you aren’t a SAHM. Sure, there are some good ones out there, but the fact that you work and still find time to have a family and amuse and inform us here in blog-land makes you stand out.

  13. RE #5 Go for it! The swearing Lutheran will be lovingly read by the cussing Episcopalian.

  14. I work with 2 people who eat with their mouths open. it’s disgusting. one of these days I’m going to freak out and tell them to close their freakin’ mouths for Gods sake! They’re adults! They should know better! I DON’T want to hear you chew!
    I am completely addicted to rocking chairs. and rocking in general. I cannot stop ‘rocking’ or swaying when i am standing still. i have to pay attention to it when i am talking to upper level managers!
    When my husband has hiccups, he proceeds to tell me “I have the hiccups” over and over and over again. Yes, honey. i can hear you hiccuping. you don’t need to tell me.
    wow, that felt great.
    And, swear away! ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. I think you and I are twins and we were separated at birth. True confessions:
    I’m a cussing Christian, but not the judgmental kind (unless your stupid, I do judge people on stupidity)
    I pretend my job is way more important and busy than it really is
    I pretend to be a lot smarter and more interested in thing than I ever really am
    I’m pretty much going through life slanging bullshit like its going out of style!

  16. My daughter learned how to use “fucking moron” correctly in a sentence because of the dumb fuck drivers around me. My in-laws are coming down from NJ tomorrow to spend the weekend with my daughter because she turned four last month and they are sweet and all, but they stress me out. MIL can’t eat anything but grilled chicken and green beans and FIL is just like his son so they drive each other fucking bat-shit crazy and argue the whole weekend. And they laugh at my Texas accent and tell me its cute,.. sigh… you really should hear your own accent.

  17. Number 8 sounds like THE WORST. Confession: I can’t stand it when parents allow their kids to dictate big things like menus and what the family is doing. Nap-time is one thing, but they “won’t” eat anything but McDonalds? Too fucking bad. Kids don’t get to decide that stuff yet. I LOVE your confession posts…it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

  18. You are crazy!! But you already know that! This is what I love about you – you remind me so much of my daughter, Amber!!
    But what SAHM?? Am I?

  19. I will help you push Kanye but we will need others. One for the body, several for the ego.
    I am a potty-mouthed Catholic (and an organist on top of it, which means I swear double) and I support $*#!@!@!-spouting Lutherans. Some of my best buds are cussing Episcopalians and snarky Quakers, and some wry Presbyterians.
    I have one confession. I had been looking at my iPhone even when I was driving. VERY BAD. VERY BAD. BAD, BAD, BAD. But I figured out how to stop. I removed the apps from my phone — facebook, Twitter, CNN, and anything else that lured me to read. (I know, DUH, but you also know how some apps can be a bit addictive.) Removing them really removed the desire to keep checking in, and my happiness and my sanity are both replenished. Now I listen to Stitcher podcasts and iHeart Radio from different parts of the US, and audio books from LibriVox. My eyes stay on the road and my conscience stays clear.
    I’m with you on the food thing too, Megan McGee.

  20. excellent post – a real truthful one!! hehe

  21. This has to be one of my absolute favorite posts you’ve ever done!! I literally was laughing out loud the whole time I was reading!!

    Have a great weekend, Sarah!

  22. Love this post and all the comments..crying from laughing so hard. Also love that you cook and eat real food but you’re not all up on a pedestal about it. Thanks for what you do.

  23. I came here from pinterest and oh man, I’m so glad I found you! I can’t write anything fun on my own blog because of my husband’s job. He always says…. “If someone found out…..” So instead, I can sit hear and read the stuff I want to write. (My blog is boring craft stuff….unless you count my wine cork canape knives, then I’m the effin’ bomb.)
    Okay, so here is a true confession.
    I hate it when people call me on the phone because they are bored. They think since they are bored, I am obviously bored, right? (I’m so hyper the mere thought of boredom is exciting to me.)
    I hate it when people say, “People that can’t do, “teach.” WTF? Makes me want to slap the crap outta them.
    I sew but hate it when someone I don’t know knocks on my door at the 11th hour asking me to fix a dress for their daughter…..oh and she needs it NOW.
    I make stuff and people always say “oh, I’ll pay you to make me one….” until I mention the price. 10 effin bucks is too much? really?
    Oh, and I talk too much and get excited about stupid shit…and when I drink margaritas, I tell all the stories I’m not “supposed” to tell….good thing I’m not drinking or this comment would never end…..

  24. I would like to organize a last minute boycott of.miley on SNL tonight. I never stay up that late anyway, but the skank has got to STOP!

  25. I just found this blog and so freaking love this post! I was laughing my ass off. I have to say judgmental Christians is what annoys the shit out of me. I’m there with you. I also cuss a lot when I’m with my friends.

  26. ROFL!!! Yes to #2!! (pun intended) I call it the Barnes & Noble Effect. It also happens to me at craft stores and sometimes Target. I’m not sure what they’re pumping through the hvac systems in those stores, but it’s like IBS mist or something…