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Confessions, October

If you’re new here, confession day works like this: I make an ass out of myself admitting to dumb shit, and then you add your own in the comments, and we all have a big laugh.

Let’s do this.  By the way, the first one is so embarrassing, so I’m just going to go ahead and get it over with.  Let’s rip the band aid off.

1) When we took our childbirth classes (Bradley Method), they emphasized kegels.  Thousands, and thousands of kegels.  I swear I did them in my sleep.  As a result, I had a pelvic wall of steel by the time Jack was born.

But…before we took those classes in my third trimester, I had a wee bit of what you might call “a puking problem”.  Puking pretty much defined my life from 8-22 weeks of pregnancy.  And some times when you puke really hard, a wee little bit of pee comes out.  So, one day, when we were still in Los Angeles, I was driving to get a pedicure (this place is amazing, super clean, has FREE parking, is in a great neighborhood, and I used to get pedicures next to celebrities for $25), and I puked in my car.  I had a bucket, so I didn’t puke all over the place, but while I was puking, I peed a little bit.

Knowing that when you’re sitting in a pedicure chair, your crotch is in near proximity to the lovely person doing your toes, I did the only thing I could think of.  I used my organic mint essential spray hand sanitizer, and spritzed my crotchal region.

I know you know where this is going, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.  About 20 minutes in to the pedicure, my crotch was on FIRE.  I could barely get through the massage, and was begging them to just paint my toes already.

2) We have a slider off of our kitchen that takes you to our deck.  We keep our recycling bin right outside of the door.  We put stuff in there about 15 times a day.  I’m embarrassed to admit that at least four times a week, I forget that the screen door was closed and then the slider door was closed, and I run my face right in to the closed screen door.  I mean, you’d think by now, I’d figure out to LOOK to see if the screen door is between my face and the recycling bin.

3) If you are insane enough to let a child read my blog, please turn them away from it now…

 

 

My sister works with our town’s local Santa.  She is going to tell let Santa know a few specific items about Jack and my nephew, so that this year when we go, they’ll think he is truly watching them all year.  It helped one of her friend’s kids believe for a few extra years than normal.

4) Middle age male softball players confound me.  They play with so much aggression, and act like they are truly trying out for the World Series.  They just take it so seriously.

5) The mirror in the women’s bathroom at our church is incredibly flattering.  It shaves at least 1-2 pounds off of my thighs.  Even if I don’t have to pee, I find an excuse to go in to the bathroom at least once while we’re at church.  It’s a lovely way to start to start my week.

6) I have unsubscribed from the Martha Stewart email newsletters probably 15 times, and for some reason, that woman still has me on her list and I get a daily email.

Martha Stewart, your “unsubscribe” button is not a GOOD THING.

7) Our school district has all-day kindergarten that you can pay for, or free half-day kinder.  The full-day option is about 15% of what I paid for daycare/preschool, so it was a no-brainer for me.  Due to Troy and my work schedules, we’re usually able to take and drop Jack off at school one to three times a week.  The other days, Jack is at before and after school care at a daycare center.  He catches the bus to and from daycare.  He LOVES riding the bus.

I was talking to a parent at a school event, and her son was in kindergarten too.  I asked her if her son was in all-day, or half-day, and she said “half-day of course”, like all-day was a dirty word.  Then she found out that Jack rode the bus, and I think she puked in her mouth a little bit in horror.  I wanted to say “it’s a 15 minute bus ride, and an extra 2.5 hours of school lady.  It’s not a North Korean death camp”.  Sheesh!

8) After five years of taking Jack to daycare, and then backtracking and going to work, I am LOVING my solo commute.  It was nice to have Jack with me (and the carpool lane buddy aspect was amazing), but in our current life situation, my alone time is pretty limited.  Having an hour to listen to my audiobooks (library for the win), and not have to talk about Nerf guns is pure bliss.

9) I think that the snooze alarm is the dumbest ever invention.  The idea of being woken up, and then being woken up again nine minutes later is torturous.  It’s really just a horrible idea.

That being said, I’m happy to leave the house five minutes early, just so I can sit in the parking lot at work before having to go in.

10) One day, at my parent’s house, Jack had to pee, but Troy was already in the bathroom.  Jack bounded in, and then I heard Troy say “want to sword fight”?  I d this term before, but clearly never understood it.

After they came out, I was mentioning something about sword fighting in public bathrooms, and was that weird doing it in front of people?

Troy and my brother-in-law Brian kind of looked at me like I was growing a second head.  I believe it was Troy who slowly said “what exactly do you think sword fighting is”?

I started by saying “it’s when dudes use their dongs as swords, right”, while my sister nodded her head in agreement.

The look on their faces should have been captured to be placed in a time capsule, so that in 300 years, men would know how absolutely clueless women are about what goes on in a mens bathroom.

Troy said (very slowly, like he was talking to an extremely stupid person), “you mean to say, you women think we go in to bathrooms and hit each other with our dicks”?!?!?!?!

And it’s true, it is what I thought was going on, and based on my sister’s expression, she was also not clued in on the real situation.

Just to avoid anyone else in having to be in our shoes and feeling very clueless about sword fighting…sword fighting is when people of the male persuasion use their pee stream to “sword fight” in the communal urinal.  Troy is sitting next to me right now making sure I emphasize that you all know that males are AT LEAST one foot apart from each other at all times when doing this.  And he says there is a cut off age at about 10 years old.

Yeah, cause that’s less weird?

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27 comments on “Confessions, October”

  1. Aha ha ha, fantastic! I was so with you on your sword fight line of thinking. Thank you for sharing me the shame of ever admitting that in a socially awkward situation. Great confessional.

  2. Ok, I thought the same thing as you about the sword fight, must be a female thing!

  3. Re: middle aged guys playing softball – not unique to softball. I play at a free-for-all badminton session and there’s one guy there who’s so competitive it’s kind of scary to play against him. We call him competitive dad after the character from The Fast Show (not sure how great this clip is no sound on my computer! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1AtAQM1mNw)

  4. I should have done those kegel exercises because I think I seriously just peed a little from laughing so hard at the “sword fighting” explanation! Having grown up with 5 dudes around me, I TOTALLY get it!!

  5. Hahahahaha…thank you so much for the laughs! My October confession is I can’t seem to stop online shopping. If someone offers a coupon, I’m all over it. My husband has to be wondering why all these packages keep coming. I don’t have extra money to buy all this crap, but I do it anyway. I need to have my debit card taken away from me…..ok I feel a little better.

  6. Totally love the sword fight confession!! LOL….I have a couple boys, and my daughter and I could never understand how/why there was always pee on the seat, the floor, the walls, the door……….

    Relating to your incident with the 1/2 day K mom, my confession is about being a working mom vs. SAHM. My kids are a bit older now (10, 12, 14), and I work full-time. When they were younger, I worked part time. And get this….I don’t need to work…..I do it because I want to work! I tried really, really hard to be a SAHM, but I just couldn’t do it! I’d still rather stick hot knitting needles into my eyes rather than stay home full-time.

    I’m probably the worst mother ever!

  7. Can I remain anonomous? We are dealing with a sick elderly parent (my mother in law) and I want to punch my brother in law in the throat. Right now, I can’t even look at him, so at family dinner I just stare at my plate. I’m really working hard on “loving them where they are, not where I want them to be.”

  8. HATED cleaning the Men’s Room when I worked at McD’s during high school. Now I know why! 😉

  9. I hate dead animals, they totally scare me.I am a veggie. we have cats and when home alone on monday I saw a black leg poking from behind the pipes, not moving. I knew it was a Mole I hit panic button. Out the house to a neighbours who bravely came round to remove it. He didn’t look keen but not man enough to say he was freaking too. he took hold of the leg,I watched from the door, he laughed and said it was a glove,I made him drag it out to reasure me, it was a glove. I could tell from his wifes smile yesterday she knew and I now watch for that smile around my village . We have had Moles in house before in my defence.

  10. LOL.. I thought the same thing about sword fighting… maybe they are just saying that now because you called them out.
    1) My husband made me buy Victoria’s Secret Bra with a AMEX gift card I got… I am sneaking over there today to return it.. so that I can buy a new hamper and some coat hooks for my kids back pack. It was a very nice Bra but for 50 bucks I can buy like 4 bra’s at Target.
    2)My sister n law has decided after the 15 years of non holiday celebration (Witness) she wants to do Halloween but of course she has no way of knowing how to not be completely socially awkward about the entire situation. When I asked if she was gonna have chili or soup or something ready for the kids before trick or treating, she looked at me like I killed her dog and told me to feed my family before coming over!
    3) I kinda hope her halloween party is a flop… just cuz.
    4) I am going back to college via online classes and I can’t tell anyone (other than hubster) because in my family it is looked down upon.
    5) I plan to do my college homework and studies here at work.

  11. Your confessions are always so awesome!

    I have to confess that I threw a tempertantrum two weeks ago when I found out I still have 5 classes I need in order to graduate. So, instead of graduating in May 2015, I won’t graduate until probably May 2016. I cried. I ate a lot of ice cream. And I still want to cry about it.

    Another confession- I have no idea how full-time working moms manage their lives, especially when they have more than one kid or are taking college classes in their “down” time. I stay home and we homeschool and I am a full-time on-line college student but I really feel like I should have way more time on my hands.

    Oh, and we are getting a dog. Which I want. But which I think is slightly ridiculous considering I can’t seem to manage my time now.

  12. first # 10 made me laugh so hard i blew tea out my nose…
    2nd: i was at the yearly girly checkup. the phone rings right in the middle of things and is handed to me. emergency call from my mother saying the school called and my son is complaining that he cant breath (yes, my mom tracked me down at the gyno’s office…. imagine what my childhood was like…) i tensed up so badly that i shot the duck bill specula thing right into the doctors hands… i changed doctors i was so embarrassed to go back…

  13. My husband (not the “sword fighting” kind) is driving me bats this year. He’s an older diabetic whose personality has been to changing, not for the better. He’s become short tempered, hard to get along with. and is suffering from some long term memeory loss. This becomes very trying when I’m already dealing with his brother who has Down Syndrome, two dogs (one who is an attention whore because she was neglected as a puppy), and two cats (one who thinks he’s a pig and one who is coming to the end of his life.) Some days I want to just run away from home, but I don’t drive anymore so it would be a short trip! And to top it off, he’s gotten to where he wants to sleep all dau and stay up all night, so nothing gets done all day, and some of it’s just too noisy to do at night. Actually, I think this is the same guilty confession as last month. I so need to get a life!

    • Dear Abby always recommends a evaluation when someone’s personality changes. It could be an indication of brain issues. I know that would be one more thing on your plate but it might be better to know. Good luck.

      • Unfortunately. the personality changes are normal for an older diabetic. So far as I know his brain is still in there and functioning. He had a brain scan last year for an eye injury (long stupid story–short version it cost us 3000 dollars in ER fees when it was just something in his eye). His brother is the same way and his mother went that way too. Thank God for the older neigbor lady who warned me about this years ago!

    • My husband started doing that, & was getting really abusive. So in a sane moment, I asked him if he liked being married. He said yes, & I said “Good, Me too. Now if you want to stay that way, you’re going to eat every 4 hours. & not like a 12 year old, either!” As long as his blood sugar is on an even keel, through regular, HEALTHY, mini meals, he’s the guy I married. Maybe it would be worth it to try.
      A few friends in my knitting group have observed the same miserable behavior changes in their diabetic husbands, too. One has also instituted the ‘timed meals’ & has success. I hope this helps

      • We did the eating thing, still do–he does go get something to eat when he gets like that. But he’s one of those diabetics who is “insulin resistant”. He’s been on metformin for years and it worked, but it’s getting to the point it’s not working as well. He was on five or six other drugs for awhile, including the shot one that was made from Gila Monsters (I would not want to be the guy who had to milk one of them), and it all either fought or worked okay, but not consistently. He’s on a new kind of insulin now, humulin, but that may be what’s affecting everything. New doctor, new regimen, and we get to deal with all the fallout. He has lost a lot of weight, and is working on more, hopefully that will help him get off the meds eventually. That’s something that does seem to work for many diabetics.
        One thing you have to watch with diabetics is their other organs, eyes and heart in particular. He went to one doctor who insisted he go on a diet of the “fake” foods, no butter, cheese, eggs, but the substitute ones. Big Mistake–his cholesteral shot up from mostly okay to out of sight. Long story short, he wound up with a quintuple bypass and heart damage that we didn’t know about. The fake foods didn’t cause it, they just added to the problem. That’s why diet is one of the most important things you can do for a diabetic, which you are doing with your husband. Mine had to unlearn a lifetime of eating bad foods.

  14. Totally on the sword fighting. Wouldn’t hitting the streams cause a spray outward? That just sounds like a big mess.
    My mom made a comment to my sister and husband that it was too quiet when I was bathing my son and maybe I drowned him. They actually checked on me to make sure that I hadn’t. My confession is that I can take the screaming and fighting when I’m giving him a bath but not when my husband does. That’s when the thought of dunking him under comes to mind.

  15. Laughing so hard at the last one that I think that I peed a little! I usually stop to read the other comments before posting my own but I am still laughing. I was also a sick pregnant lady for the whole time and not to get too graphic but I had to make it to the garbage disposal sink because my husband said my food wasn’t processed enough for the regular sink. I also had to keep towels nearby because I often needed to wipe up the pee. Pregnancy is lovely!!! I love the comment about the “judgy” mom who only had her kid in half day and wouldn’t put him on the bus for 15 minutes. It is my son’s favorite part of the day and we are moving to a new school and we are too close to ride the bus so I think that the hardest part of the move is going to be giving up the bus. BUMMER!!!! These things are less enjoyable when we get older so he might as well enjoy it now!!

  16. HAHAHA! Sword fighting! I thought that too! My confession is: through my husband’s negligence (thank you diabetes) we have come right to the edge of foreclosure. & I was the tiniest step away from walking away from a 32 year marriage.

  17. It is so good to hear your confessions and those of others here. I often feel like I am the only one going crazy. My guilty dream is always of running away and never looking back. I can’t complain of being overworked as I have way too much time on my hands with nothing to do. I am sole caretaker for my disabled husband and we live too far from anything and anybody for a quick day out for me, so I usually just talk to myself and my dogs. It is totally frustrating talking to him as he can’t remember much (or doesn’t try). I don’t see much purpose in pursuing hobbies and crafts as I only end up with expensive clutter I don’t need. My main occupation is trying to cook healthy meals for us – and of course staying sane. I never had a boy, so I learned something new here today. Thanks for the laughs.

  18. #3 – When I was 6 years old, my uncle played Santa in a store near us. My parents took me to see him. When Santa asked if I had been a good girl, naturally I said yes. Santa then proceeded to tell me everything naughty I had done all year. Scared me to death! Almost 30 years later, I still remember the surprise and fear (that I wouldn’t get any presents). I also have a picture and I can’t believe that I didn’t recognize my uncle. My parents said that I was really good for awhile after that visit, so hopefully it will help Jack. If nothing else, it will give him a great story to tell later in life.

  19. I had to come back and make another confession.

    My grandmother passed away on Monday. She’s been not well for a while, but it was still a surprise. We have not been back to NH in two years, so it’s been a while since we saw her. Emma doesn’t really remember her.

    After all the arrangements were made and I bought my plane tickets to get to NH for the services, I realized I had the perfect excuse to withdraw from my college classes. As you know, I HATE school and so I was happy for an reason to withdraw.

    Now everyone knows what an awful person I am.

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