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Confessions – May

New here?  You may be confused a bit by what is about to happen. 

Monthly confessions are a staple ’round these parts.  Confessions are good for the soul, and I’m all about doing things that are good for you!  I say silly confessions, you contribute your own via the comments, we all have a good laugh, and then we go about our day.

Ready to start?  Let’s go!

1) When Jack had his tonsil surgery, he was prescribed a painkiller that royally screwed up his teeth.  We brush his teeth with a spinbrush, and he eats really well, but his teeth have this weird orange layer on them.  I want to make him a t-shirt that says “my mom does not feed me doritos all day”.

My only hope is that when his baby teeth fall out, the new teeth won’t be effected, because honestly it embarrasses me.

2) When Troy is home to “help” get Jack ready in the morning, we’re always at least five minutes late leaving the house.  When it’s just me?  On time or early every single time.

I’m not sure how after five years of a morning routine, the order cannot be recalled.  It’s fairly simple, and it makes our morning efficient and whine-free.  When Troy is home, the morning always ends with me yelling “it’s time to get in the car.  Stop playing, stop crying, and stop whining and get in the car NOW”.  I turn in to this yelling person I don’t even recognize, and it makes my heart sick and it makes me sad.  I am so sick of the being the bad guy, that I want to scream.

When it is just Jack and myself, the morning is calm and he gets in the car with nary a hassle.

3) I bought my own Mother’s Day present last week because it was something I really wanted and needed, and I didn’t want to get stuck with a last minute present that was purchased with minimal planning or thought.  We’re busy people, and present shopping isn’t always at the forethought of our collective minds.

What did I buy myself?  A new clothesline.  HA!  With the construction going on at our house, our sunroom has been torn down, meaning I no longer have a place to dry sheets.  I like that the new dryer can be used in our basement, or outside on a sunny day, all without having to dig a hole.

4) Jack gets hyper-focused on certain words he is not supposed to say.  So knowing he isn’t allowed to say them, he says them ALL the time.  A few months ago, he was really in to saying “fart” and “nerd”.  At face-value, neither of those words are bad, but the fact that he can’t shut up about them made them banned words.

He loves to tell people, random strangers in fact, about the words he isn’t allowed to say.  One day, we were in the parking lot at Target and an African American man walked by. Jack loudly told him “my mom said I’m not supposed to say the F word or the N word”.  Realizing it had been years since the Pacific Northwest had a huge earthquake, I prayed with all of my heart for the big one to hit right then and there so that the ground could swallow me and my big-mouthed kid whole.

I explained to the man that the “F” word was “fart” and the “N” word was “nerd”, but I’m not certain he believed me.  I’m sure he went home that day and told his family about the tiny white supremacist he met at Target.

5) I can’t fucking stand the term “mommy blogger” and I cringe whenever it is applied to me.  Sure, I blog, and I’m a mom, but my blog is about so much more than my kid.  It’s about the important things in life – eating well on a budget, breaking down the fear of cooking wholesome food from scratch, and fart jokes and other sophomoric humor.

6) Jack constantly has two boogers in his nose.  They’re the nasty dried kind, that even a strategic momma finger can’t get out.  I analyzed the issue, and realized they were getting caught in these long nose hairs he had.  So…I trimmed the nose hairs because the perpetual boogers were driving me crazy.

7) This woman I work with has the best pair of red corduroy pants that I have coveted for a long time.  Last year, I found a pair on a clearance rack at Macy’s; originally $110, on sale for $18.  I tried them on, and they fit well.  A little shorter than I would normally wear (I’m 6 ft tall), but they were a great length with flats.

The waistband was a little high, but the price was right and the color was awesome.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized they were the brand “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans”.  Whoops…I’m in my 30’s!  After a few washings, they loosened up a little bit too much. Now, there is extra, how do we say…wiggle room in the crotchal region.  I think they’re called Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, because they’re actually for your son.  And his junk.

8) Jack is in this whiny phase right now where every little thing can set him off and he just starts crying.  It drives me crazy, and I’m embarrassed to admit that at least once a day, I tell him to “stop crying and sack up”.

9) I really freaking hate the new trend of hipsters wearing thick black glasses without actual lenses ironically.  As someone who is pretty blind without glasses and contacts, I say “what the hell”?  That’s like me wearing a retainer that I don’t need.

So, I showed you mine…now it is time for you to share your confessions!

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16 comments on “Confessions – May”

  1. Back when my girls saw Shrek for the first time (when it was new on DVD, whenever that was), they giggled like mad when Shrek said he had to save his ass -meaning he had to save Donkey. We made the mistake of letting the girls know that if they used the word appropriately (as ‘donkey’) they were allowed to say it. DON’T EVER DO THAT! They managed to work donkeys into many, many, many conversations. Always at inappropriate times!

    Even though I know nobody will ever see the insides of the new shorts I was forced to buy if I don’t want to wear pants all summer, I promptly cut the tag out of them so nobody will ever see the very large size I had to buy. 🙁 (That hopefully won’t fit for long, I’m on day three of my diet -gotta start somewhere)

    I am jealous that you have lilacs in bloom. We are just barely starting to get leaves on things here. We normally have beautiful pink crabapple trees for mother’s day. This year, sticks. No blooms, not even leaves.

  2. I hate it when people spend most of their time bitching about their life on Facebook, especially with super long rants that frankly have information that should really be kept private. And by far my favorite is this one chick that I meant in 1999 because we were both expecting babies in Jan 2000. She bitches all the time because her life sucks and she is broke, although she has 8 kids! I really wish I had the courage to post on her many statuses “Could you just stop bitching?”

    I hate these “awareness” days. For example, I just realized that next week is “Fibromyalgia Awareness Day”. Are you kidding me? Let me know when its “We are going to stop celebrating stupid shit Day” and I’m there. I mean I get the Heart Disease month and Breast Cancer Awareness all those get yourself checked or healthy kind of things. But what’s next, “I have a an STD awareness day?”

    In the last 3 months I have lost 30 lbs and started going to the gym regularly. I HATE every minute of the gym. I am still waiting for that day when I start to like exercise. I have been promised by other gym goers that this will happen…I think they are taking crack.

    • Hate to break it to you, but I took up running last year and I ran all year long and still hated it. Have you heard of Michael Mosley? He’s written a book called “Fast Exercise” for people like us. I’d like to get started on it but haven’t quite got there yet.

  3. Bought my own mother’s day gift as well 🙂 I do not want to be disappointed and I knew exactly what I wanted. I got a new computer desk. I am also taking FULL advantage of the fact my husband MADE PLANS on Mother’s day to ride his motorcycle at the track all day and now we have to celebrate mothers day next weekend. I completely book the weekend full of things that I want to do. Strawberry picking (and I will probably spend a few hours in the kitchen canning homemade strawberry jam- My favorite!), the most wonderful ice cream at the orchard, a nice grilled dinner, and my husband planting me a few new plants (since I am 8 months pregnant and not really able to do much of anything in the garden).

  4. Mother’s day is coming? We suck at following holidays.

    So the kiddo and I went to AZ to visit family from last Tuesday to yesterday (Tuesday). We were gone for 7 nights. As we were driving home yesterday, the hubby let me know that the previously scheduled event for that evening was canceled. I’m thinking, “Woohoo, we can just veg and hang out and stuff,” and he says, “I’m thinking of going for a bike ride, do you mind if I am riding when you get home?”

    Seriously, we’ve been gone for 7 days, you can’t be home when we get home?

    On top of that, I meant to get all the dishes done and vacuum before I left but didn’t get to it as I was trying to get two weeks worth of school work done so I could relax on the trip. There was only a small handful of dishes when we left. I was so PISSED when I walked into the house and not a single dish from when I left had been washed. He washed the stuff he used, but washing anything else was apparently too much. So. freaking. frustrating.

    Oh, and I hate school and want to quit. But that’s nothing new :0)

  5. I purchase my own Mother’s Day gift as well. This year it’s blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry plants and asparagus crowns for the garden. Last year, I bought myself a new clothesline. Come to think of it, I purchase something for myself every holiday or special occasion. I’m giving myself a trip to New York City for my wedding anniversary in September – still debating whether to take the husband with me or not 🙂

    • Ooh! I like the idea of buying plants for Mother’s Day! I’ve been nagging my husband about going to the nursery. This weekend is the PERFECT opportunity!

  6. Every time you write your confessions, it’s as if you jumped into my head and read my mind! My husband and I share one car so morning routine is a family affair – one that has gotten out of control with two girls, lunches, and ourselves to prepare. Every. Day. Is. A. Struggle.

    However, the hubs is out of town this week and it’s just the girls and me. We have gotten out of the house early Every. Single. Day. No screaming (HURRY UP! Turn off the TV! Put some socks on! Get in the car! What’d you forget now?!?). It’s been pretty peaceful, actually.

    To help with the morning routine, the girls get dressed for school the night before. No arguments over what to wear or where the GD socks are.

    I’ve bought my own Mother’s Day gift for the past several years. I’ve also been known to send my husband direct links to Amazon and Etsy.

  7. I really ought to know better than to be drinking something while reading your posts. I snorted apple juice out of my nose after reading about your tiny white supremacist!

    1. Someone, somewhere taught my two and a half year old son to be sassy. Not a damn clue how that happened…*ahem* My husband has an insane and unreliable schedule and I’m a Stay on the Go Mom. So, my little dude and I spend a LOT of time together; sometimes, too much. Yesterday got so bad, I told him to leave me alone and I shut myself in my bedroom for 5 minutes. It’s the first time I’ve ever made myself do that. And things actually got better afterwards.

    2. If things get too hectic, too noisy, too stressful, etc. and I feel like I’m about to scream, I drop everything and have a 30 second dance party. I actually did this in public last week. People stared, but I felt liberated!

    3. I’m extremely proud of my husband and what he can accomplish when he is confident enough. But I wish he would believe in himself more and find some inner confidence. It’s draining having to constantly give him an ego boost. I know that is part of marriage and it’s likely selfish of me to feel this way. There are some days that I’d really like to tell him to just suck it up.

    4. I’m fairly certain my cat was a drug addict in a former life (and her punishment was to return as a cat living in a household with a toddler). She yowels at me not for treats or food, but for cat nip. If ask her if she needs a hit, she goes over to her scratching pad and waits for me to sprinkle some catnip on it.

    5. I base whether or not I volunteer for nursery duty at church on who is leading the song service. I appreciate the leadership in our church, but the tenor men have unrealistic expectations as to what everyone’s range is.

    • Omg I can totally identify with your #3! Just yesterday my husband was asking me once again what should he do career wise. It’s like we talk about this constantly and then he somehow doesn’t remember what the plan is and wants me to tell him smh. I’m tired of talking about it and I just want him to remember that he can do whatever he wants (i.e. working for himself) instead doing little side jobs that he says he is happy at but I don’t really believe he is. It takes a lot not to say hurtful things in the process and not to scream “lalalalala I can’t hear you” when he starts talking about it again.

  8. Children will say the worst things at the absolutely worst possible moments! Like my oldest daughter smilingly telling everyone at church she was a honeymoon baby! I just kept on talking to the people I was with and let it go–what else could I do?

    My youngest brother is much like your son, especially when he was very young. We were at a doctor’s office (sometime in the late 60’s) with my mom and four younger sibs. There was an elderly black man waiting for his appointment and of course my brother was fascinated with him. He finally told my mom “look at that black face”! Thought she was gonna die, because we were usually much better behaved than that (not). That child could not talk below a boiler room bellow, of course.

    Sometimes I think men are worse than any kids. I know there are times when i wasn’t sure if I had four kids or five because of my hubs behavior. Now that I care for my handicapped BIL full time, it’s just that much worse with two men around.

    And if we’re confessing things, I am so tired of dealing with the BIL, and everything else I have to do some days, along with feeling pretty rough at times from health problems. I wish my husband would get of his retired butt and help out more. I know he has heath problems too, but I’m really tired of being the only one who takes care of everything at times.

  9. I confess that

    1) I did not clean our living roonm once during the Easter breake while we were doing up our bathroom (and it had a week’s use already in the beginning). So…in the end it was so foul that it was horrible even to clean! Dust, building dust and crumbs all in a merry mess, yuk! I don’t think I have ever let any of my living spaces to get as gross before.

    2) If I could I would sleep on our allotment at the moment and not care a sausage about the house, cooking, laundry etc. I want to do my gardening!

    3) I take the point 2 as far as I can get without upsetting my family.

    4) I am glad I have not have much of paid woork lately, so I have had time to do point 3. (It haven’t help the bank balance though):

    5) I can eat a last bit of chocolate from the stash without guilt. If the family wants more, they can go and get it!

    6) I am happy in my life to a point of being scared that it will snatched away from me. Weird.

    • 7) And one moreI can spell “brake” (see point1), although writing with a 7 year old laptop missing an O key and having wobbly “l” makes it sometimes challenging. I am too cheap to buy a new one when this one is robust and works otherwise great.

  10. I laughed so hard while reading this blog that Im sure the people around me think Im a loon. This blog makes my day, many a day lol You have a coveted spot in my one click apps bar (across the top of the computer screen) what the hell is that thing called?? Anyway, my confession today is……I said I was going to slow down on the caramel frappes, but I drink them secretly. Like, if no one sees but me its not real calories right? LMAO

  11. BAHAHAHA about the Target story! Oh my, my drink is spill. Forgive me while I go clean this up before my keyboard dies!

    Not sure about confessions, it’s been extremely mellow around here. I secretly like to go out with my dad, and people think he’s my pimp. He’s chocolatey black (not the US African American black, but more of a mixed/hispanic black), and I’m blond when next to him, with green eyes. I’m actually quite dark to be blond, but whatever. It’s even better when we borrow my brother’s kids and go shopping. Oh, the looks and the murmurs! Last time we did this was while stopping in NC to visit my brother (he’s black like my dad), and we stopped at a store to get something to drink. I didnt have cash on me, having spent all of it on tolls, so I asked him for money. An elderly couple by the milk aisle just shook their heads.

    I’ve probably also said this, but the only times I do laundry are 1) when I’m out of undies, 2) when my PT work shirts are all dirty. Other than that, I will hold it off, sometimes 3-4 weeks at a time.